Make it two

I’ll start with the shocker first and see where we go from there.

I had another stroke. Apparently end of November sometime. It’s so freaky because I didn’t really feel it and all I can go by is a text I sent to my friend K moaning that I woke up with a numb foot. I thought nothing of it really as I often wake up with numb limbs of some sort and it’s been drilled into me that it’s “only anxiety”, so I kind of ignored it and got on with my day. Although a bit wobbly, migrainy and tired for a couple of weeks after, Ive actually been feeling great (and have been telling everyone so who’s asked).

The news now pose the following problems:

1) Health anxiety through the roof to the point where my GP has prescribed some relaxy-type meds. They are working ok but I’ve lost all trust in my body and medicine again as I have no way of ever telling again whether I’ve had a stroke or not, but obvs can’t go to A&E at every twitch (and I twitch a lot). Trust in my own warning system is ruined

2) I’m on warfarin now which is a pain in the arse. Not being ungrateful here, I know they keep me alive and that’s ace but this is serious black-listed medication, plus blood tests every few days and an actual risk of bleeding to death, so there’s little room for error. Frightening

3) The impact on the people around me, mainly my long suffering husband and children. I lie awake at night fretting what psychological damage my poor health is inflicting on them. Just when we thought it’s all getting better, here we go, back to square one.

4) it just pisses me off how ill I am. I could be such a better mum, better wife, better teacher if I didn’t feel like crap all the time

So, I’m now waiting for the PFO (hole in heart) to be closed although they still haven’t decided they’re going to do it but that’s for another post. In the meantime all I can do is pray there won’t be a number 3.

Let me finish on a positive note though. I actually had a lovely day today. I felt good. I felt almost normal as if nothing had ever happened and I wasn’t the wreck that I am. I guess it’s the little moments we really have to cherish and enjoy, as cliche as this sounds.

Thanks for listening (you can totally pity me btw 😁)

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